Addiction

If I were a different kind of writer, I’d have something nasty to say about my cigarette fixation.

As it is, though, I still have to say – a cigarette is slight, slim, and irritating. Makes it hard for me to breathe, but is comforting. Without realizing it, I reach for it once more. Without appreciating it when it’s there, I find myself missing it when it’s gone. And a smoky, long, thin tube, an instrument of death. The cigarette is a constant reminder of the past. Yet I’m addicted.

I never should have started in the first place, quite frankly. I know that. I know it with every brewath that feels labored, with every time I catch myself sputtering like a child. This habit is ruining me little by little.

Why do I surround myself with things that could destroy me? Why do I keep being caught up in such sure danger?

Because, I suppose, I’m a novelist. It’s romantic.

I can’t help myself. I fall in love.

Loyalty – Part 1 – Smashing Blue

I. Smashing Blue

“[Saburazaemon said:] ‘To lay down one’s life for another is the basic principle of homosexuality.’”

- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai

Loyalty, Part 2 – Glaring Dream

II. Glaring Dream

“There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment. A man’s whole life is a succesion of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there will be nothing else to do, and nothing else to pursue. Live being true to the single purpose of the moment.”

- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai

Loyalty, Part 3 – The Rage Beat

III. The Rage Beat

“Yamamoto Jin’emon always said to his retainers, ‘Go ahead and gamble and lie. A person who will not tell you seven lies within a hundred yards is useless as a man.’”

- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai

Loyalty, Part 4 – In the Moonlight

IV. In The Moonlight

“Narutami Hyogo said, ‘What is called winning is defeating one’s allies. Defeating one’s allies is defeating oneself, and defeating oneself is vigorously overcoming one’s own body.’”

- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai

Loyalty, Part 5 – Super Drive

V. Super Drive

“Last year at a great conference there was a certain man who explained his dissenting opinion and said that he was resolved to kill the conference leader if it was not accepted. His motion was passed. After the procedures were over the man said, ‘Their assent came quickly. I think that they are too weak and unreliable to be counselors to the master.’”

- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai

Loyalty, Part 6 – Blind Game Again

VI. Blind Game Again

“Nakano Jin’emon constantly said, ‘A person who serves when treated kindly by the master is not a retainer. But one who serves when the master is being heartless and unreasonable is a retainer.’”

- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai

Loyalty, Part 7 – Sleepless Beauty

VII. Sleepless Beauty

“In carefully scrutinizing the affairs of the past, we find that there are many different opinions about them, and that there are some things that are quite unclear. It is better to regard such things as unknowable.”

- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai

Loyalty, Part 8 – Shining Collection

VIII. Shining Collection

“The Way of the Samurai is found in death.”

- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai